Late Night Drives

Late night drives. Windows down, music up. Chase the moon till' the sun comes up.

Late night ramble

Just spent another awesome weekend with the Colemans. I seriously have the BEST in-laws ever. While I was over there I had to locate a number on their fridge and came across something else. Unconditional support and love. I saw handmade cards of Father's Days past, recent report cards, countless photos of the kids growing up...I was just amazed at how this fridge was a collage of love. Looking through everything I got so excited for my future family and being able to raise my children with that same type of love and support. When my child is struggling with long division, I want to know about it and I want to help them! Can't help but wonder how things might have been different had my sister or I had that same type of environment, though I conversely, would not be the person I am today.

I remember by the time I got to my second highschool thinking that school was just a joke. I was living with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and sometimes I had a ride to school and sometimes I didn't. I usually slept in until 10 or so and asked my friend's brother to drive me to school if I decided to go (he was a drug dealer btw, but that a story for another time). I remember thinking my first two periods were obsolete. If you grew up where I did, you inadvertently knew Spanish fluently by eight years old anyway and when was I ever going to use this dumb graph shit my algebra teacher keeps rambling about (Oh how I wish I knew then that my career now depends on that algebra shit inside and out and I would be teaching myself out of a highschool textbook ten years later!). I once missed almost two consecutive weeks of school, went into the nurse afterwards and explained I was sick and was able to get it excused just like that. No one seemed to notice that I was rarely going to school or cared to ask what I was doing driving my Uncle's car to LA with my 14 year-old sister in the passenger seat in the middle of the night. On a school night. Without a driver's license.

Sure we may have some good memories, but life would have been a lot easier if we had someone, anyone, asking what we were learning in school or even if we had homework to complete. I can't wait to see the work my children bring home and not just because I want them to stay out of trouble, but because I care about and love them so much and they are not even born yet. I want to hear about their days and hang up their finger painted family portraits on my fridge. I never never want them to feel alone and that they are the only person that they will ever be able to depend on. We are not meant to be alone.

This brings me to another point. It is so easy to get stuck in the mentality that we can only depend on ourselves since no one really cares and everyone will let you down. The trick to breaking out of this rut is to find someone and let them know that you care about them and be the person that supports them. Think if we all did this. We all let someone know that we care. We wouldn't be walking around so lonely and crestfallen; we'd feel consumed by love and support and never feel that we only had ourselves to rely on.

Today was a big day. First of all, it's Friday the 13th.  Secondly, I took my first of four finals today and did pretty well (I think).  However, this is trivial to what else happened.  See that funny leaf pinned on my cardigan (and the goober grin on my face?). I got chosen today to be a member of the Ivy Honor Society.  While I am one that tends to need the occasional pat on the back and verbal reassurance, that is NOT why I am posting this.  I am posting this as an encouragement to YOU.

That little Ivy leaf represents all the people in my life who never believed in me and told me I was too stupid to ever go to college.  It represents feelings of agony and despair I have felt throughout the years to get where I am at today.  It represents the four years I spent in the military to pay for my education.  It also represents all the nights--and very early mornings--that I would have rather been doing almost anything else other than studying or working, but did it anyway.  Forgive the fairly cliche' statement of "If I can do it anyone can" but it is absolutely true.  I believe in you.  So does God.   "...With God all things are possible" (Matthew 19:26).  

It may not always be easy, and I guarantee there will be days you fill like you are losing an uphill battle, but I assure you that it IS possible, and if you are willing to work hard and dedicate yourself it WILL happen.   Disregard the opinions of others who want to bring you down and your inner negative self-talk.  You can overcome that and amount to so much more.

Don't lose hope.  I'm rooting for you.

2009 Resolutions

In NO particular Order:

1.  Be more PATIENT. Especially with other people

2.  Display behaviors showing my Love for Christ...or in other words "be more Christlike".  

3.  Procrastinate less.  Especially when it comes to things like filing receipts for work/accounting, cleaning, homework and studying...

4.  Drink more WATER and less coffee.  64 oz a day of water (I am going to buy a nifty metal container to help me).  I am limiting my espresso shots to 4 a day (only exception is finals week).

5.  Less sugar.  My body feels better without it.  One day a week (At least) I will give up refined sugar altogether.  I gave it up for lent this year (my sister is Catholic and I did it with her) and I never felt better!

6.  Get more sleep....not just naps!  I go to bed WAY to late.  I need at least 6 hours a night.  Also, my lights out is now 12.  This may seem laughable to you, but this is hard for me! Really!!!!

7.  Give my all in my college classes

8.  Continue to tithe

9.  Continue to save and start saving/investing more

10.  Stop straining my body so much. Commit to taking better care of myself and not pushing myself to my physical limits. Realize I am NOT Superwoman, and that asking other people for help is OK.

11.  Jeep my room cleaner and more organized.  Especially my work papers.

12. Show Kaleb more love ♥

13.  Be a better friend (this should be closer to the top, but these are in no particular order)

14.  Brush up on my Italian.  I forgot almost everything.  Embarrassing. I have no excuse.

15.  Floss everyday, not every other day

16. Stop cussing. Not even "Crap" or "That SUCKS".  I want to be a better influence and be able to spend time with young children without fear of slipping up.

17......To Be Continued.  I plan on updating this blog A LOT.  

Pls to halp keep me countabl. plskthnxbai.

Roommates and "Habitating" in Peace :)

As you may (or may not) know, I moved into a house with three other ladies a few months ago.  Before I moved here, I LOVED my living arrangements.  I could walk out of the shower how I wanted, stay up late listening to music, hit snooze as many times as I wanted without fear of waking anyone, come home after a 13 hour day at work without anyone bugging me as I cooked my own dinner, etc.  That all changed September and I have been feeling sorry for myself ever since.

Upset by my sudden lack of privacy, and what I labeled as "an intrusion" on my lifestyle, I began justifying my less than civil behaviors.  Additionally, I had been going through some difficult personal issues involving family, finances, etc. which did not help my already slightly cynical mood.  After a long work day I would immediately go to my room and skip dinner altogether, so as not to be forced to talk to anyone.  In fact, I barely talked to any of the girls at at all unless I felt obligated.  Instead of being happy for the company when a roommate would strike up a conversation, I became annoyed.  I further justified my behavior by noting their "faults" and "deficiencies".  The way they talked, their opinions and views that I thought "wrong", and on and on, all the while completely ignoring my own faults.  For example, after a really long week day when I was really too tired to bring out the trash and it was mentioned to me, I was easily angered and steaming in my head about how "They have NO idea how exhausted I am! I would like to see them try to do my job and have energy at the end of the day to do chores!"  I began further distancing myself from them socially and vowed to "just live" in the house, viewing it as a place I slept and paid rent and nothing more.

Last night I was working on New Year's Resolutions.  Among the many things I listed, two specifically were:

1. Becoming more patient

2. Being a better example of a follower of Christ

As I was writing these out and thinking about them, a voice that was not my own pointed out my recent behaviors at my house.  I tried to push the voice out of my head to no avail.  I began thinking things like, "God, you don't understand!  You don't know what they are like and what they do.  They don't even believe in you!".  I found that voice mocking me.  I began to realize the behaviors I had displayed over the last few months and was embarrassed at how little I displayed my Love for Jesus in my behaviors.  I am oh so pleasant to the people at my church, my friends and other Christians, but not to the people I live with under the same roof that I see on a daily basis.  How un-Christlike is that? I began to cry as I realized who the people I lived with really were.

One roommate is an underpaid teacher who works with many children from low Socio-Economic backgrounds.  She works long days and then comes home to spend hours grading papers and coming up with lesson plans for the children she teaches.  She posts their artwork on the walls of her room.  She has thousands of dollars in student loans that she took so that she could dedicate her life to educating the future generation, realizing that she would never fully be recognized or compensated for the amount of work she does.  She is completely positive minded, has a contagious laugh, possesses artistic talent and has already led a fascinating life despite her young age, including living abroad, traveling the world by boat, and numerous other adventures.  She has so many interesting stories to tell and I could learn much from her if I would only take the time to listen... 

Another girl currently works as an underpaid receptionist for a chauvinistic Doctor despite the fact that she could be doing so much more.  She has a degree that centers around helping others and she has worked in the past (and continues to work) with Immigrant Rights, refugees and other underrepresented and under privileged members of society.  Additionally, she has helped to write legislature in her home state, and publishes creative writings.  In her free time she works from home, helps teach Spanish to ESL children and takes web publishing classes.  Her nickname from friends is "picaflour" which means hummingbird in Spanish, since she is always doing something and never sits still.  She often has her friends over for dinner, especially when they are down or upset...on that subject, when I found out my Grandmother was dying she presented flowers in a vase, a card and a bottle of wine within a half-hour of finding out.

The lady I share the downstairs with works under a Social Security Attorney.  When the elderly or needy are struggling to get the benefits they have been promised by the government, her office goes to bat for them to help them obtain those benefits.  She too, works long tedious hours often bringing her work home with her.  She is on salary so she will never be compensated for the long hours of overtime she works weekly.  She also works with many mentally unstable clients which can mean everything from persistent harassing phone calls to threats.  However, you would never guess this as she is one of the most friendly and positive people I have met.  When the other two girls had given up on my persistent grumpy behavior, she continued to show me warmth and kindness with everything from always offering to help me out when I was tired from work to continually making sure to greet me as she came home. She has been nothing but sweet and warm to me from the day I met her and all I have done is become increasingly reclusive and cold. 

All of which brings me to today and my contemplating my behavior up until this point.  Jesus didn't hang out with Christians and Saints all day. He spent his time with Prostitutes, pagans, sinners and outcasts.  Yet, I couldn't find it in my heart to spend quality time with these fascinating lovely ladies? What does that say about me as a follower of Christ? What did it say about me as a person? A human?  

I know I need to make some dramatic and immediate changes.  I need to show these ladies patience, love and understanding despite our differences in personalities and lifestyles.  Each of them are amazing people and Jesus loves them.  I need to do the same.  I am sure that they will wonder as to why I am acting so differently when they return to the house (they are all currently visiting family at the moment for the Holidays). I hope that over time I can begin to build a relationship with them and overall, be a better person (and a better roommate).  Even if I am going through a rough personal time, I have no excuse to treat them poorly or ignore them. 

The New Year will surely bring its share of ups and downs in the household I share, but I am committing to do my best to be more patient and loving.  For me, 2009 will be a year of atonement and second chances at making things right.

Abstinence in the City

Sex in the City. Every modern girl's favorite TV show it seems. There are shirts you can buy that even state which character you relate to the most (i.e "I'm a Carrie"). Metropolitan cities around the states saw the opening weekend of the movie spawn a plethora of women to run (in their 4 inch off brand Monolo Blahniks and trendiest outfits) to the theatre and wait several hours for a ticket, while sipping pink fufu drinks with their girlfriends. These four fictional characters are what modern girls everywhere look up to. What attributes do these characters possess that women admire so much and attempt to emulate in their own lives?

Since I have only seen portions of a few episodes myself, I decided to look up on none other than Wikipedia.com for some insight:


The Main Character is Carrie: "A club/bar/restaurant staple" who "is known for her unique fashion sense, which is high on her priority list." She is a self-proclaimed shoe fetishist and she focuses most of her attention (and bank account) on designer footwear, primarily Monolo Blahniks. Her life is a whirlwind of shopping sprees and she is repeatedly "guilty of overspending her limit and maxing out her credit card in a single shopping trip." She is in her mid thirties and over the course of the show has multiple partners and failed relationships.

Charolette, who is considered the most "conservative" of the characters is the youngest, yet still divorced. In the process of her divorce she meets a divorce lawyer with whom she pursues a "sex only relationship" with and later ends up marrying despite his less than stellar qualities.

Miranda: Has an on-again-off-again relationship with a boyfriend for years, gets pregnant and remains a single Mom for a majority of the show until the end.


Samantha: "a seductress who avoids emotional involvement at all costs, while satisfying every possible carnal desire imaginable" who "believes that she has had "hundreds" of soulmates and insists that her sexual partners leave "an hour after I climax". Enough said.




So now again I ponder, why are these women so admired? They are all mid-thirties or forties, unsuccessful with men and real meaningful relationships, max out their credit cards on shopping sprees (again I point out that they are mid-thirties and forties) and know more about the latest season's Gucci collection than how to have self-respect for oneself. The show's theme seems to be "No matter how much your life sucks, you still have your girlfriends". It not only makes me feel sick inside, it also makes me very sad.

Women everywhere watch shows such as these as well as other women around them and think this is normal. Modern society seems not only to have abundance of such behavior, but actually seems to put value in it. It's no wonder nearly every female you know has had an experience where she doesn't understand why "he never called her back". Newsflash ladies: If you sleep with a guy the first night you meet him, he is probably not going to call you back. Why would he respect you if you do not respect yourself?


I have to be honest and say that I learned most of these lessons the hard way. I have made numerous mistakes in my past that I am not proud of, but the difference is I have LEARNED from them and try my best not to repeat my prior behaviors. I now find myself at a place where I respect myself and my future husband. It may not be trendy or cool to hold these values, but the type of guy who does not admire such traits simply does not deserve me.


I close with a quote from Spike TV's voted "Hottest Girl on the Planet" and the world's fourth highest paid supermodel in the world, Adriana Lima:


"Sex is for after marriage. Men have to respect that this is my choice. If there's no respect, that means they don't want me."

Well said Miss Lima

I'm Back

Once again I am creating a blog. I have promised myself not to delete it, now matter how embarrased I may feel after posting. Here we go again...